Recently we here at TNMC have felt the need to get into the celebrity interview business. I mean, even Joan Rivers can manage an almost coherent semblance of an interview. How hard could it be? The problem of course is that most of the staff are inconveniently located in parts of the country that celebrities don't go anywhere near without a hefty advance, their own trailer and several hookers/gigolos at their disposal. So we sought to find someone who could find the celebrities where they hang out. Unfortunately, our budget wasn't up to hiring anyone with training, talent, experience or respectable hygiene for that matter. Naturally we hired a monkey. He's a veteran of the movies as an actor but hasn't been able to find much work since CGI made most animal actors unnecessary. This put him in a position where he felt our offer was only mildly insulting and signed on for the long haul. He would like us to call him Monkey X. We think this is pretentious as all hell but considering what he's willing to work for, we're going to let it slide.
So without further padding, we give you what can only be called one of our less well thought out ideas. That's the last time any editorial decisions are made in the presence of tequila and strippers.
Monkey X here. I had the chance to interview Ben Stiller at the New York Marriot Marquis. Actually, he was in New York, I was in a New Paltz laundromat calling from a payphone. I got the number from a hotel clerk for twenty dollars, but I'm putting fifty dollars on the expense account just because I feel so cheapened after buying Ben Stiller's phone number.
BEN STILLER: Hello?
TNMC: Ben, how are you? I'm calling from the Baltimore Sun and I was wondering if I could have a moment of your time.
BS: There's a junket tomorrow morning. How'd you get this number anyway? [Muffled] I don't know. Some reporter.
TNMC: Your publicist gave it to me.
BS: Oh yeah? What's my publicist's name?
TNMC: You don't know your own publicist's name? Ben, I've seen your movies, but I thought you were more intelligent than that.
BS: Okay, I'm going now.
TNMC: Wait, wait. I promised my editor an interview and he's a huge fan of yours.
BS: Really?
TNMC: Sure, sure. He called you a comedic genius, right up there with Nietzsche.
BS: I didn't know Nietzsche did a lot of comedy.
TNMC: Oh, tons. That's how he started. He was like Robin Williams; started out in comedy and then moved on to the weighty stuff. But I'll tell you this: Williams and Nietzsche ain't got nothing on Stiller.
BS: All right, all right. Ask your first question.
TNMC: Gladly. Who would win in a fight: Greg Focker or what's-his-name from Reality Bites?
BS: Uh, Greg, I guess.
TNMC: Wrong. They're both pussies. What was it like working with Drew Barrymore?
BS: Oh, Drew's great. Very intelligent and she really researches her -
TNMC: That's fascinating. Did she show you her tits?
BS: What? No! Why would she -
TNMC: Never mind then. What was your motivation for Mr. Furious?
BS: I... What's that crunching noise? Are you, like, eating Cheetos or something?
TNMC: Close. Rold Gold pretzels. Want some?
BS: Uh, we're on the telephone. How can I have some?
TNMC: The readers won't know that. It'll give us an air of camaraderie.
BS: Okaaay. No thanks, I'll pass.
TNMC: Good. I don't like you well enough to share my pretzels anyway. Fuck the Mr. Furious question; no one even saw that damn movie. Let's just do some free association. Trojan.
BS: What?
TNMC: I say a word and you tell me the first thing that you think of. Actually, now I see where this might be a problem for you.
BS: I know what free association is. It's just a weird thing for an interview, you know?
TNMC: Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Trojan!
BS: Uh, horse, I guess.
TNMC: Wrong, latex. Dunk.
BS: Um, basketball?
TNMC: No, teabag.
BS: What do you mean "No?" It's whatever pops into my head.
TNMC: Well your head must be broken. Desert.
BS: This interview -
TNMC: Damn it, Stiller, answer the question! Desert!
BS: Shit! Sand, okay? Sand!
TNMC: Wrong, camel-toe. Germany.
BS: Uh, Autobahn. No, wait, Heidi Klum.
TNMC: No, Arthur Schopenhauer. Okay, one more. Zoolander.
BS: Misunderstood.
TNMC: Douchebag.
BS: [Click]
- This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it used to teabag Cheetah when he fell asleep at the old chimp's home.
