I recently met up with Eric Roberts at the Otani Hotel & Garden in Los Angeles where we nursed a couple of Manhattans in the bar. I don't even know what's in a Manhattan, but they're smooth and hot and make me hornier than usual. That St. Pauley girl was looking was looking mighty fine that night.

TNMC: So, Eric, I'm going to cut through the bullshit and get to the question that's been burning in me for years. Did you or did you not shoot the deputy?

ERIC ROBERTS: Pardon me?

TNMC: I know, they're Marley's lyrics, but surely you can give some insight. "I shot the sheriff/ but I did not shoot no deputy." See, that's a classic double negative. Sounds to me like you shot the sheriff and the deputy.

ER: I think you have me confused with Eric Clapton.

TNMC: Oh. Who are you again?

ER: Eric Roberts.

TNMC: I got ya, the guy from ChiPs. I heard they're making a movie of that with that hack from Friends.

ER: Get out. Which one?

TNMC: Matthew Perry.

ER: Well, that does sound terrible, but I believe you have me confused with Erik Estrada now.

TNMC: Huh. And you're…

ER: Eric Roberts.

TNMC: The closer for the Dodgers?

ER: That's Eric Gagne.

TNMC: The Viking who discovered Greenland?

ER: Eric the Red.

TNMC: Okay, I give up. What would I know you from?

ER: Let's see. Best of the Best? Freefall…uh…The Specialist, Fast Sofa.

TNMC: [Blinks]

ER: Star 80?

TNMC: [Blinks twice]

ER: [Sighs] Julia Roberts is my sister.

TNMC: Ohhh. I got it now. Eric Roberts.

ER: Yes.

TNMC: I'm a huge fan of yours.

ER: Really.

TNMC: Sure. When it's late at night and the only way I'm getting to sleep is a good jerk-off, and one of your movies comes on Cinemax, I know there's some good titty action ahead.

ER: Who did you say you were with?

TNMC: Ladies Home Journal. So what are you working on now?

ER: Actually, I've been on tour with my band for about eight months.

TNMC: You're kidding. You have a band?

ER: Yeah, some of my college friends and I have been tinkering around for years, you know, just for fun. But my show got cancelled, and Josh, that's our bassist, he got laid off so we figured we'd make a go of it. We did a bat mitzvah for a friend's daughter and word of mouth just sort of carried us along. We're doing a nation wide small venue tour now. It's sort of surreal, really.

TNMC: I'll say. What's the band's name? Eric and the Rednecks?

ER: Pagoda Dogwood.

TNMC: Pagoda Dogwood? What is that?

ER: It's a tree.

TNMC: But it doesn't have your name in it. Gary Sinise and Kevin Bacon both have music groups and they made the bankable decision of putting their names in the band's. Why didn't you?

ER: I think maybe Mr. Sinise and Mr. Bacon have slightly bigger egos than I do.

TNMC: Perhaps. I can tell you there's one thing Kevin Bacon has that's bigger than yours. Did you see Hollow Man? You know that scene where he's becoming invisible and you see his muscles and blood vessels and eventually his huge dangling dong? The CGI guys weren't just being generous. I was an extra on the set and I can tell you they were inspired by hugeness.

ER: You seem a bit preoccupied by Kevin Bacon's penis.

TNMC: [Clears throat] Aren't you a bit old to be in a rock band?

ER: Actually we do a blend of acid jazz and bluegrass, but to answer your question, no. Look at the Rolling Stones, The Cure, Justin Timberlake.

TNMC: Yes, but they were famous first and then got old. You're starting out old and no one knows who you are.

ER: I'M ERIC FUCKING ROBERTS, YOU GOD DAMNED PRIMATE!

TNMC: The doctor from ER?

ER: I'm going to end this interview now. Have a good day.

TNMC: Are you going to finish your Manhattan?

ER: [From lobby] It's all yours.