DAY ONE
4:00 AM
My goal is simple. I’m not leaving this place until I get nude photos of someone. I don’t care who. It’s not like I have standards, so I’ll even settle for John Glover. I’m comfortably hidden in my nest with fourteen bottles of Bawls and a cooler of chilled bananas. It’s gonna be a long day.
5:14 AM
Kristin Kreuk arrived on set. It’s Vancouver, so of course it’s cold. She was wearing a light gray coat, so absolutely no view of breasts.
7:30 AM
Close call. I heard some hair band music coming from a trailer and decided to investigate. I saw some bald guy in there snorting coke off of a couple of Thai boys. I think he saw me. I got back to the nest stealth ninja-like.
8:10 AM
Defecated.
8:11 AM
Threw feces at Tom Welling. Missed. Made a note to work on aim.
10:45 AM
Apparently I took a nap, cuz I woke up in a pool of my own urine. Morning mostly wasted. Considering suicide.
11:00 AM
Out of food. Raided Annette O’Toole’s fridge. That’s where Michael McKean sleeps. She doesn’t feed him, so I didn’t find food there. Eventually settled on a can of salted nuts on the end table.
11:52 AM
Allison Mack shot and killed two best boy grips in the back of the head. She’s much cuter in person.
12:30 PM
They’ve stopped filming so the cast and crew can grab some lunch.
12:35 PM
Mass vomiting ensues after someone discovers my little brown children in the baked beans.
1:00 PM
Stole John Schneider’s cell phone. Called Tom Wopat. Following conversation took place:
TOM WOPAT: Hello?
MONKEY X: Luke! Boss Hogg and Rosco just stole the General Lee and all of Uncle Jesse’s moonshine! Kick Daisy out of bed and get your ass on up here!
TW: I’m sorry?
MX: You’re gonna be if you keep cockslapping our cousin. It’s my turn this week.
TW: ...
MX: Hello?
TW: Call ended.
1:30 PM
Got into Gough and Millar’s peyote stash. Brain banana freezing pickle herring bone make up jar, bingo.
2:00 PM
My hands are, like, huge. And they can touch anything but themselves.
5:33 PM
Woke up in Michael Rosenbaum’s trailer. Naked Thai boys everywhere.
5:34 PM
Masturbated.
5:35 PM
Zipped up.
6:00 PM
Got bored. Went home. No boobies for me.